livin' it

Ok I had been imagining myself driving this old classic after attending Christian's and Carlos's History of Design lesson and seeing the new Fiat 500 remake at Central Forum. Back in the old days in sub-urban Italy where roads weren't well-tarred and sub-urbia meant living in farms, this car was a common mode of transport. It was one of the first few cars designed to withstand bumps on roads; so ur drive would be pretty smooth. It's small cos nobody really needed huge cars back then and they only needed it to go pasar. With that much history, why wouldn't I want one? I know VW's Beetle served Adolf Hitler but why would I want to associate myself with him? (teringat Jia Quan. maybe he sld get it for himself)

I want to drive a classic, like the MiniCooper (the classic type. think Mr Bean. Haha Salman called it that), but not something common but (berape banyak but lah.) cute still. and i can associate myself to it:)

BUT...

• It's SO SMALL. I seriously didnt expect it to be THAT small. I mean, when i saw the new version i thought the old one is about the same size but no. It seriously looks like a toy car that American children race around in town fairs (think Little Rascals)
• In Singapore, you can only drive it for 28 days. wth? i park at home can.
• It's mahal.

oklah i think the first reason is enought to turn me off. with a size like that, i can get run down by another car without it's driver noticing!

dan ini semua... HARTA DONYA. hahahaha. eh im drowning in my own world. Allah, save me!

faz, i'll reply ur comment soon, insyaallah!

Recently I put up a status on fb expressing my weariness over our tendency to see the haram as relative...

(Funny story. im listening to music and blogging while my dad's talking to me abt, i dunno, im listening to music! and he's gg on and on abt it and recently i came up with my 'dont deny ur parents anything, they deserve everything in this world' policy and so im giving him all my attention. im smiling and looking at him as if i understand. and he just said "pegi lepas asar" but i heard "pasar". ok very funny. ok i sld let him watch GI joe. he's been wanting to watch dvds and i havent been helping. poor papa. I SHALL BE A GOOD DAUGHTER AND GO TO THE RANGE TO GOLF WITH HIM LATER EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A LOT TO STUDY. lepas asar. bukan pasar.)

as i was saying....

It started with my browsing through someone's fb profile. It occurred to me then that based on what i was seeing, i was forming judgements on the person. astaghfirullah. thoughts like 'isn't what he/she's doing haram?'. sad sad. then i thought, he/she might not think or know it's haram. i dont know. maybe he/she knows but does not think that it's haram, or maybe he/she doesnt know and doesnt think it's haram, or perhaps he/she knows and thinks it's haram but doesnt/cannot control him/herself.

but that's not quite the point... before i could go on thinking about that person and what he/she's doing, i thought about myself. 'Do i do something even though i know for sure it's haram? and i do it thinking that it's not exactly haram' Apparently there is. I bet there's a lot but i don't realise it. God show me the straight path, PLEASEEE. I don't exactly want to reveal my aib(weakness?) but if it helps in understanding then i think i should. i have ONE guy (yes i'm practically living in a woman's world. think crescent girls' school, 4 sisters) cousin from my mom's side who is 5 years younger than me and till now, he still salams me. or rather, we salam. (will be continued... golfing)

ok back.

he's not my muhrim (or mahram. what's the diff?) and despite knowing that it is not right to have any physical contact, i allow it to happen because i will think that he's much younger than me and ive always seen him as a little brother. in a way, i had de'haram'ised it, with such excuses. and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Come to think of it, we probably do many more 'haram' things out there. Sadly, the 'haram' differs from one person to another even when there's already an absolute say about it in the Quran.

I'm really bad at writing. I don't even know how coherent my arguments are. I blame it on this thing im doing in uni called 'design'. *shrugs* Wallahualam. This is just something I learnt along this journey called life and i take it upon myself to correct what ive been doing wrong.

On another unrelated matter altogether.... I'm watching this korean movie called Antique. I should get a slap on my face cos I'm not lowering my gaze (the actors are ouch! hot) and it borders on the theme of homosexuality (ah pasal lah). so much for talk abt the 'haram' huh? BUT this movie features OH SO GORGEOUS CAKES! You know those from French patisseries?


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOO MANYYYY PRETTTTYYYYY CAKEEEESSSSS OMGGGGG! Gourmet cakes. i can, oh goodness i dont want to think abt it. and i just rmbred. CAROUSEL. ok my head cant think of anything but that.

oh and i found the carousel macarons i want!
credits: http://www.madbaker.net/category/take-me-home/

I rmbr Mas buying it. soooooo temptingggggg!

I was gushing over Adriana Lima when i came across her picture and i told my sis, "I'm Adriana Lima's BEST FRIEND!". haha and i suddenly thought, 'eh i know someone who is obsessed (like super giler obnoxiously obsessed) over a celebrity and talks abt the celebrity as tho she's her best friend but has never ever met her.' and after some time then i rmbred. PENELOPE TATE from The Amanda Show! Man, she is one funny character!

( too hot for your eyes, guys. so some viewer discretion is advised. )

I've been a Muslim for 20 years already.
I've been 'feeling' Muslim for... not that long i realise.

I feel very ignorant. Ketandusan ilmu. And as much as I'm involving myself in Muslim related activities, I notice that I am not truly learning in depth. Which is a shame, really. I appreciate the fact that I have friends who remind each other with quran verses or hadiths. It keeps me motivated in a way. However, I feel the need to go deeper. I need to know more. More about the Prophet (s.a.w) or Tafsir. Or tauhid. The very essence of Islam.

So back to 'feeling' Muslim, this ignorance or lack of knowledge is enough to make me feel 'not Muslim enough'. I mean, at one point I could feel contented with whatever progress im making with regards to Islamic knowledge but as of now, I am not at all contented, cos I know there's more to Islam then just being motivated over revelations. And this discontentment is making me feel like a lesser Muslim.

HOW HOW HOW.

and God, please let this headache go awayyy..

Oh this is an attempt to practice my Malay. My VERY KARAT (with a major 'R' Rosak) Malay.

Bermula dari sekarang! 6.30 petang

Aku sekarang berada di dalam bilik persatuan-persatuan menunggu kehadiran ibu dan bapaku untuk menjemputku pulang. Di hadapanku (im struggling!) terpapar salib yang padanya terpacak patung yang rupanya disalah-fahami sebagai Nabi Isa a.s. (Meja persatuan Katolik NUS!) Dan sedang aku menatap wajahnya yang penuh dengan kepedihan, aku terfikir tentang ujian-ujian yang telah dihadapi para nabi dahulu. Sungguh, aku tidak terbayang kepedihan yang mereka lalui apabila dilanda ujian, terutama sekali isi hati Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. Aku teringat akan kata-kata terakhir Rasulullah s.a.w ketika menjelang maut. "Ummati ummati ummati". Kasihnya pada kita sehingga ke pangkal maut! Bolehkah anda bayangkan benak fikirannya semasa menegakkan kebenaran? Dan pada mulanya dia dicaci dan dimaki-hamun. Pernah sekali Rasulullah dilempar najis! (Detik ini ialah detik 'OHMYTIAN!') BOLEHKAH ANDA BAYANGKAN perit yang dihadapinya? Rasulullah juga terpaksa berperang dengan pakciknya sendiri, pakcik yang menyambut kelahirannya! Hanya Allah sahaja yang dapat menenagkan hatinya:)

Jika boleh, inginku luahkan lagi fikiranku mengenai hal ini, tetapi malangnya, aku tidak berkemampuan. Hehe. Bahasa Melayuku MAHA KARAT. Kak Fana, cue.

Bilmunasabah (chey Arab pulak!), aku amat bangga sekali dengan diriku hari ini kerana berjaya menghabiskan lakaran sebuah kerusi dalam software 'Adobe Illustrator'. Aku tidak sangka aku berkebolehan untuk membuatnya dengan penuh ketelitian. Selalunya, di studio, kami akan membuat 'prototype' atau lakaran dengan pensel dan kertas. Namun, sejak kebelakangan ini, kami diajar untuk menggunakan sofwe (is this how software is spelt?) seperti Rhino dan Illustrator untuk mempamerkan rekaan kami. Alhamdulillah, aku lebih mahir menggunakan Illustrator, meskipun ada ruang untuk diperbaiki. Adapun rakan seperjuanganku yang meminta bantuan dalam hal ini, aku sedia membantu. Aku puas kerana dapat berbakti, alhamdulillah:) Ya Badii', syukran:)




!مع السلامة
habis pukul: 7.50 petang. hah amek kau!

It never occured to me how much Ramadhan meant to me this year till the first Azan that marked Syawal played on the radio a few days back. I was helping my sisters set the table up when i heard the azan. I drank a bit and as the drink refreshes every single nerve of mine, flashes of the things that happened for the past month came upon me. And all those while the azan was being aired. I was SO overwhelmed that i rushed to my room and broke down (for a while only lah).

You see, the last few days of Ramadhan was tough, particularly because I had my period. No, that's no excuse. But I must say that it contributed in one way or another. And as much as i tried, the tide of iman was not favourable for me. So prior to the azan, i just knew that Ramadhan was leaving, but i was still too upset to think much about it.

But then the azan aired and it occured to me that SO many things happened during this holy month.

1. Kak Fana and i went shopping for tudung bidang 60 on the first night.
2. I went for talks organised by MS.
3. The Sisters' Affair was initiated and planned for.
4. I spent a lot of time with Hannah and Kak Fana, by fate i suppose. These 2 lovely sisters mean a lot to me. Ah the beauty of sisterhood. ALHAMDULILLAH(:
5. I had really stressful days, all balak lunged from studio, but as soon as I stand beside my sisters, shoulder to shouder, to pray together, it's all gone, alhamdulillah:)
6. Speaking of stress, I had a week of migraine that only occured when i rukuk and sujud:'( it's as though my head was heavy with things (nak kate literally tak tau pulak kesahihan berat kepalaku!) and when i drop it on the ground i could just roll over. HAHA. but yes, THAT was an ujian itself.
7. I got so upset that by the 3rd week, i had only spent 4 occasions breaking fast with my family.
8. Sisters' Affair was MEANINGFUL. I don't know how to explain it.
9. Iftar with friends, APEXMWTIsisters, NUSMS, NTUMS, APEX followed by terawih together. God knows how much i love them for this. This is the way to go for bonding:) [no offence but it's a matter of preference. I'd much prefer bonding for the sake of Allah]
10. i learnt a great deal on PATIENCE. Patience when handling shoolwork. Patience when dealing with people. Last Friday evening, I was supposed to accompany my sisters to find their raye shoes, but Dayah dissed me and ignored me on the way there, probably because i scolded her for wearing something tight *shrugs*. I had wanted to pass her the money and go back home but i prayed to Him to grant me patience... Next thing I knew, Dayah, Yanah, Aidah and I were going crazy having a fun time looking for shoes! Haha!

There are probably many other things that happened, but i like 10. This was one enlightening Ramadhan, subhanallah:) and I hope to meet it again, insyaAllah.

Ok i know I'm supposed to research abt FLOS lighting history right now but I'm getting distracted. It's one of those days where the upcoming studio session would not be super stressful. So i can squeeze a bit of time on this.

Yesterday I kept reflecting on what happened the day before. The NIGHT before, to be precise. The sisters' terawih cum usrah was on as planned. Alhamdulillah everything went by smoothly. And I absolutely loved the terawih. Best ah Hannah. She explained the surahs that she was about to read before every part of the terawih and that made the prayer very meaningful. Jayyid jiddan(:

Among the things she mentioned was (all were from Al-Baqarah):
1. We will SURELY be put through a test by Him. And think about it, even the Prophet, the most pious of men, the most trusting of God's help, asked "When will the help of God come?". And here we are going "whatever man... anything ah." or even getting angry and bitter by ranting and ranting about our leeeeetle misfortunes. Ya Allah, show us the straight way...

Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of Bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They encountered suffering and adversity and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: "When (will come) the help of Allah?" Ah! verily the help of Allah is (always) near! 2:214

And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops; but give glad tidings to the steadfast, 2:155

2. (shoot i forgot)

3. He taught us a doa. Yes. He did. In this book we call the Quran, God teaches us how to make supplications for Him. And thank goodness He did cos really, we would be a loss for words at times. And it also helps that it's part of the Quran, cos everyone can recite the same one. and when everyone recites the same one together, you can feel the sense of unity in the ummah, the unison in our prayers to be by His Grace.

and it was 2:285-286........

The Messenger believeth in what hath been revealed to him from his Lord, as do the men of faith. Each one (of them) believeth in Allah, His angels, His books, and His Messengers "We make no distinction (they say) between one and another of His Messengers." And they say: "We hear and we obey; (We seek) Thy forgiveness, Our Lord, and to Thee is the end of all journeys."

On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray): "Our Lord! condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; help us against those who stand against faith."

:'S

And (okay i rmbr no 2 now!) number 2: Glorify Allah, our Creator. nuff said.

Allah! there is no Allah but He―the living, the Self-subsisting, Eternal. No slumber can seize him nor sleep. His are all things in the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence except as He permitteth? He knoweth what (appeareth to His creatures as) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass aught of His knowledge except as He willeth. His Throne doth extend over the heavens and the earth, and He feeleth no fatigue in guarding and preserving them. For He is the Most High, the Supreme (in glory).       2:255


Throughout the whole terawih, i was thinking about my family, how ive come to this state of iman. He certainly helped me a LOT and the journey was definitely not alone. I AM SO BLESSED to have a family that grew in iman together. My family was initially not a religious one, but my parents oriented their family-raising methods around the ideals of Islam. How did that happen? Wallahualam. They just thought "let's start by sending them to a mosque kindergarten!" and i guess that's how it started.

And as Hannah read ayat kursi, I remembered my grandma who gave me a book and guided me to memorise that ayat so that i won't be afraid at night. And every single time i hear that ayat, and i think about its meaning, i would dedicate my understanding of it to her. She loved me soooo much, she went all out to teach me this, even though she cannot really read the quran. these days, she'd ask me to teach her but i havent had the time to teach her :'( Ya Allah how can i be so selfish?

And the last 2 rakaats was especially touching (Hannah read 285-286) cos i rmbr memorising that 2 very significant ayats because my dad used to read it so often when we prayed jemaah. And that was a few years ago. And a few years ago, I was going through a very rough phase with my parents. They're blameless. I was the setan. And it must have hurt them soooooo much:(


So much reflections and contemplations in one prayer. And you're so close to Him. It's just you and Him. Nothing else matters. And I guess that's why the Prophet (s.a.w) never wanted to miss his tahajud. ohkayyyy... there goes my research. haha. ma'assalamah!

Ramadhan's been good alhamdulillah. Yesterday was the first unofficial sisters-only terawih at science. (it'll be official insyaallah!) the turnout was so 'memberangsangkan' 11 ppl altogether:) Honestly, I was afraid that it wouldn't happen. I know it was just a passing comment - this ladies terawih cum usrah session thing- but the thought of spearheading it never came across my mind. Somehow, by word of mouth, 10 other ppl came. Masyaallah. and I even felt that it was gonna be put down to begin with. But alhamdulillah it happened. And this stuck in my mind after that.

From Hannah, from some guy (oh no i can't be a hadith carrier already!). "Celakalah orang yang..."

ok that's it, hadith carrying skill: FAIL!

but he actually said something to this effect: Woe to those who worry so much for themselves that they forget the predicaments of the ummah.

Yes. It was that. And it scares me that I can be JUST like that. And it also hurts me when i see my friends like that. I mean, yes, you have problems. But no, Allah wants you to prioritise. Your welfare is important, but turn to Him. He's ALWAYS there. And as for the ummah, you're nothing without them. Therefore work towards the betterment of your ummah. ok wow this is like tegur-ing myself. hmm...

Can't wait for more! :) oh yes, and now i know why men can't hear women imam. THEY SHOULDN'T. We sound too good for them. Nanti tak khusyuk. tsk tsk.

The challenge is tremendous. Kalau ikutkan hati, I'd forgo bathing and eating just to finish up my presentation. but but but, Islam teaches me that this is not everything. While Islam teaches me that doing your best in life is a duty, it also teaches us to be in moderation. Be the best on earth AND do your best for akhirat. So as I sujud, the world, for that few seconds is left behind and, all that unfinished design panel and 3d relief don't exist anymore. For those few moments with Him, I was able to BREATHE. Ya Allah, thank you for this rahmat that you've showered upon me.

Subhanallah I am so blessed. God, my Most Awesome, keep me this close to you or even closer, please......

I don't usually have the confidence to blog about the blessings I face cos im afraid of being riak. But I feel the need to  express how I feel. It's just overwhelming and I've to pour it out somewhere.

I've been having 'alone' time for the past month, ever since i got back from China actually. After a day of internship at DIC i'd pray at SDE musollah (yes it's a cicak berak place) and wait till maghrib, then take an hr++ long bus ride home. oh and i still have to walk... that's 3 hours of silence. and alhamdulillah, more often than not, i'd begin to do my contemplations. and to add to that, there's the sunset. how can one not be marvelled at His Creation? So alhamdulillah it's been inspiring and enlightening. And I actually thought that when school starts I'm not gonna have moments like tt cos school wont be quiet like how it was during the hols and i'd be in students soc room not having the chance to catch the sunset. I AM SO WRONG. He comes when He comes. I was just reading blogs, listening to music, trying to finish my buka (russian stew smth smth with red bull, mind you!) when i came across farhana bibi's blog. and i really really love this sis. i know i'm not tt close to her, but when i read her entries about her experiences doing her hajj, her in sweden, and teaching in irsyad, i'm really touched. cos she's not showing off. her humility shines through. God I want to be like her, or even better. And Allah, please let her be amongst the al-muttaqqoon. and my fellow sisters in Islam too - those who have in one way or another reminded me of You.

Anyhoos. check adoodleaday.livejournal.com if you like doodles! I am SO bangge (proud) but whatever that is good (graphically/aesthetically) comes from Allah, the Creator.

im tired. as usual. work, then by the time i get back home, i'm shit tired. but i was smiling the whole day:) well not exactly physically smiling like an idiot. just in my heart. because He blessed me with a pleasing sight. again.

these past few weeks have been enlightening alhamdulillah:) lots of reflections and contemplations. oh where do i start... im really too tired. but all i can say is that, when i thought of all the blessings Allah has given me, i just wish I could just die at that very moment. cos seriously, it's overwhelming, and i don't think i deserve that much especially when i don't say enough thanks to Him.

and when i saw *ahem* Kkk today, i wondered if He was rewarding me or testing me. Whatever it is Big Guy, I'm willing to wait. What chanced upon me today was Your will. And for whatever that will happen between me and him, I submit to Your will, God.

I'm so tired and sleepy but I'm having an awesome time looking for images. So inspiring!

Oh gosh i want to update abt china (well tt's pretty much on fb alr) and my bday at work! not that anybody in the office knew abt it but i just had a FULFILLING birthday. My superior slapped my back (ok my arm) and said, "Good job. You have a direction". Kan memuaskan tu! Finally man, creativity and discoveries that are paying off. I should update this on my design blog. cos today i learnt learnt learnt. im loving this internship:)

Ya Badii', thank you:) You are THE AWESOME
.

Listening to Jason Mraz's Life is Wonderful:)

Meeting Nurul for lunch at jp today was wonderful.
Having a friend's hand to hold is wonderful.
Lepak-ing with Ika at the playgrd behind my hse and catching up was wonderful.
Coming home and joking around (crapping ard) with my sisters was wonderful.
Watching tennis with Dayah was wonderful.
Seeing my dad smile when my mom brought home new shoes for him (exactly the same pair that was stolen in Ciamis, Indonesia) was wonderful.
Forgetting all the negativity and appreciating the little things is wonderful.

Yes, I might sound high on Mraz's music but really subhanallah, being able to notice these small things (ok meeting Nurul is no small matter cos we havent met in months!) by His Grace is truly truly wonderful. I could have just whiled my time away with videos and then crawl to my bed, forgetting everything that went by today... but without me expecting it, Allah has given me the chance to feel and appreciate (through Mraz's Life is Wonderful!) Ultimately, it's one big ALHAMDULILLAH. I feel loved:)

I haven't really been attempting to put my thoughts into words. I'm starting to wonder if i have any to begin with! And I suspect that I'm getting stupider by the day (Oh the horror!)...

What I have been doing though, is doodling. Hopefully doodling that do not suggest sheer escapism... Okay, so i do indulge in messy and crazy doodlings of winged men and a dinosaur wanting a tummy tuck. BUT I ATTEMPTED to improve my rendering and shading skills! (wow im really trying hard to console myself for spending too much time with my sketchbook) When I started drawing on my moleskine i drew quite a lot of faces just to experiment with different facial features and expressions. Then I realised that I wasn't really getting any better at it, especially when shading. It's hard to distiguish between shadows and discolourations of the face. Plus the contours of the face can be so complex it's hard to be accurate as to where the shadows are. And so SHADING is a major problem for me... and so I decided to get down to the basics. Blocks of cubes and speheres. Tables and jugs. Cars. Fonts... All that with shading... Alhamdulillah it's turning out well but i have a long way to go...

I did something fun today... It's surprising how many cat prints i have at home. ok not that many, but when you have 2 totes and a pencilbox that have cats all over it, you'll realise how cat crazy my sisters and i can be. So i scanned and printed them. The result: a really cool looking piece of art! It's different when it's 2dimensional. On the bag, the cat prints are interesting on its own. It's really the cat prints that draw the attention. So ppl go,"Oh you have cats all over ur bag!". But when it's on a piece of paper, it's a different thing altogether. The vividness of the cross-hatched weaves that make the bag come to attention. The discolouration from a (I suspect chocolate) stain catches your eyes. And the folds that are captured during scanning are not seen as flaws on the artpiece but rather, an essential reminder of the origin of the print. Come to think of it, without the folds, it wouldn't have the same depth. And a blog entry is interesting when it has pictures...
Oh look! It's another different view whenit's on the comp! So if you really want to experience what I experienced, you have to get a hold of my moley. Dayah saw it and she was amazed. Kak Nur saw it and she scolded me for wasting ink. Bleh...

On another matter altogether, I'm actually proud of myself for not using the comp the whole day today in an attempt to save energy and break my habit of watching dramas on the internet. And as much as i hate staying up till 330 in the morning almost every day screwing up my biological clock with endless episodes of Soulmate, Brilliant Legacy and Cinderella Man, I find that today is an exception cos i chose not to watch any of these and instead read the many inspirational entries of friends and acquaintances. I read a friend's entry abt her experience in Haj, found a great step-by-step solat guide in Flash and many many quotes that reminds me to count my blessings and seek His forgiveness. Alhamdulillah kamsahamida ya Allah. It is You who gave me this opportunity to come across these ppl. Oh Allah bless them:) And I pray that you wouldn't let me go astray. Keep me close to them because truly, I want to be part of the ummah.

Sometimes I wonder if I can live up as a designer and a Muslim at the same time. It's a scary thing, feeling that two parts of you clashing. Both are important to me, of course, Islam taking a priority over design... This dilemma has to be put on hold for now unfortunately, cos i don't really feel up to it.

Somehow, I feel like writing a lot now. I used to write an entry and then delete it. and i choose to lock the entries and let it be read by custom grps only. idk why. ah when the emotions are overwhelming, i cowardly withdraw from any form of expression, trying to keep it to the bare minimum. i admit, im afraid to be perceived as weak. But it's not that this entry's gonna change anything. I just know that i have to move on. Keep moving on... A write-up on my artistic adventures a good start and a good read on inspiring stories by real people keeps me motivated. Alhamdulillah:)

Cheers!