livin' it

shagged yo. just happened to read a 'Maybelline special' article on 8 days. It says "So, how do you know id you have City Skin? Clogged pores, greyish complexion, fine lines, pimple breakouts, and lacklustre skin are all signs of City Skin."

Die. I don't know abt the fine lines part but im quite sure i qualify for the rest. haha. i have panda eyes now (call them battle scars just to console self!), and ive been coming home at 11 these days. not good very bad. lol.

raaaawwwrrrr!

I don't want to talk much abt this iconic piece of furniture. oh one interesting fact! its form only took shape after 9 years of material experimentation and form exploration (1959) AND YET(!) it was the icon of the late 60s and 70s. ah kau. talk abt who creates trends. (ooh but remember my fellow Muslims, or humans for tt matter, to think of the CREATOR of the creator of this creation! He granted His Wisdom upon Panton yo) that, and the fact tt creative works can take years but He just has to say "Be." and it is. Allahuakbar) okokok im digressing. MOVING ON!

---
( ompoteh pon ade adab siket... once upon a time... )

Jangan engkau harapkan impikan teman hidup sesuci Fatimah
jika dirimu tidak sehebat Ali.
Layakkah untukmu untuk mendambakan lelaki seperti Muhammad
jika dirimu tidak sekuat Khadijah.

got it from faz and she got it from somewhere... it's beautiful, really... I met an old friend some time back on the way out of sch...we were happily asking abt each other, how sch was yadayadaya and then she asked me this (oh i can stll imagine her cheeky smile),"You got boyfriend now?". I was startled. It was strange. I haven't heard someone ask me that sort of question so casually (at least not these past few yrs), as though assuming that i would have one...

"Urm, no. I'm not ready yet."
"I knew you would say that! Till when sey!"

I wanted to tell her how much i'd hate myself to be involved in a non-halal relationship and even if she meant marriage partner, well, the poem there would pretty much sum up my answer to her...

I have A LOT of growing up to do. I'm still undefined, much less refined... I have plenty of "I'm still..." in the Muslimah sense. But essentially, this Iman Foundation Deficiency (IFD) [haha!] condition is one that i have to find a cure for... before anything else...

Allahualam.

2010 didnt quite sink in till I bought a planner a few days back. I was desperate enough to find one in Tampines with Hannah. Now that I think of it, it was pretty kental of me to do that, to attempt with full vigour to find that perfect 2010 diary. And apparently I ended up settling for a self-date one, which I initially thought to be the most troublesome thing. Oh did I mention I was desperate? Yes, indeed. I had to get back on track with my life cos there's a long list of tasks to be fulfilled in the course of the next few months and insyaallah with a planner I would be able to do just that.

It's slim, just like how it was for 2008. and that leather strap is just lovely. Didnt realise the words were erm, mushy. oh what the heck. There's enough space to write and best of all it has a whole page blank on the left side. So yes, the all important doodles and notes area criteria is fulfilled. the other leather strap in the first pic is actually a wristband which is a tad too big. (the camera focus is lousy:()



I didnt realise that I've had a planner for every year since I was sec 1. I rmbr using the crescent one for every yr while i was in sec sch. It was really really useful, the crescent planner. It had the periodic table, math formulas, school rules, calendar of events (really useful for counting down to exam dates) and motivating quotes:) best. then in jc, i used the SA one for 2006 and then in 2007 I made my own. 2008 was awesome cos it was pocket-sized, slim, and well-designed. I appreciate the fact that it has all the dates and hols written down and it certainly went well with my collection of small slim things (hp & ipod). hehe ^^ <--- ok act cute. stoppit sak.

So... alhamdulillah I can heave a sigh of relief bcos i dont have to look all over for my notes on things to do. and since all dates are organised in a planner i can better pace myself, biiznillah.

Hani's back! gonna see her l8r! sooo eggciting!

I dreamt tt someone shoved something inside my mouth while i tried to declare my faith before dying. 

If dreams like this don't remind me of the need to live life as a good Muslim, verily I'm at a loss.

Funny (and strange, mind you) conversation with papa at Changi Airport staff canteen.

Papa: Farah, kalau suami Farah kan...
Me: Suami? Farah dah ade suami? (hahahaha)
Papa: Bile lah... Bile Farah dah kahwin nanti kan, kalau suami Farah suruh tutup (hand gesture pakai niqab) kan, nanti Farah tutup tak?
Me: Ok lor. If he says so. Farah tak kesah pon. And I've done it before what. Farah pakai mask kat skolah while sanding abeh beratus yr ones lalu and they all stared at me. best tau, takde orang kenal farah. hahaha.

To make things clear, my dad has NEVER asked me abt something like this. About marriage. He can talk to me about golf, cartoons, engineering, documentaries, but never marriage. This was such an absurd topic and he was saying tt he noticed tt some wives of ustazs on tv tabarujj (he watches some indo religious show in the morning), their beauty so apparent that he thought tt they should cover up. I have no idea how tt idea of me wearing niqab got into his head tho. or wives of ustazs being oh-so-gorgeous for that matter.

How he said it reminded me of guys my age asking such questions. It's normal lah but to hear it from my own dad is like, so weird... haha.

About the matter of wearing niqab... whoa i never contemplated on wearing one cos i know im not menjolok mate material. hehe. i do know tho, of muslimah friends who even when they're alr wearing hijab and in their natural state(no makeup), draw attention when they pass by. if i were them, id feel uncomfortable and srsly consider niqab. being ogled at is NOT COOL. *shrugs* On what my dad asked about, I would if my husband told me to. not without an explanation tho.

And We send down of the Quran that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe (in Islamic Monotheism and act on it). and it increases the Zalimun (polytheists and wrong-doers) nothing but loss.
I can always trust You, you know.

I'm yearning to yearn. I'm longing to long.
I despair over my folly, my lack of control.
They impede my connection to You.
At times like this, why am I still doing such injustice to myself?
Why am I allowing myself to be sucked into this vortex of deceiving illusions?
How low will this tide get before it rises up again?
How low, I ask, how low?

أنا حزين جداً، يا الله! Rette mich, o Allah, rette mich.

10 Zulhijjah 1430

Like all days on the Islamic calendar, the day begins right when the sun sets and on the night of the 26th, I chose to accompany my dear Kak Fana (out of necessity) to Masjid Ar-Raudhah where she was supposed to attend a meeting/briefing in preparation for the next day's korban. Somehow, I volunteered to help out with the korban at that mosque as a media rep, but all's good cos there's no loss in the service of God, right? So the next day I was out and about with Kak Fana and Syab taking photos:) Best. It was tiring but awesome cos I was in awesome company:) Actually, the purpose of this entry is just to post a photo of kak fana cos she wanted it from my cam and i didnt want to upload just 6 shots i took with my cam on fb. so there kak, you can take the full resolution on from here. hehe. act, i think i'll also send you one on fb. haha. (ok done!)

( get it here, bint mokhtar! )
11 Zulhijjah 1430

Studying now. I'm loving Metals and I'm not sarcastic about it. Oh Allah, let this knowledge be useful to me. I know it's not really in my line of work to know Shielded Metal Arc Welding or Flux-Cored Arc Welding, but I know You might just twist my fate. Kene tolong papa kat workshop ke... haha.

Subhanallah it's soooo gorgeous. The rain... So inspiring:)

And He it is Who sends the Winds as heralds of glad tidings, going before His Mercy, and We send down pure water from the sky― That with it We may give life to a dead land, and slake the thirst of things We have created― cattle and men in great numbers. And We have distributed the (water) amongst them, in order that they may celebrate (Our) praises, but most men are averse (to aught) but (rank) ingratitude.

Al-Furqan: 48-50

Ok I had been imagining myself driving this old classic after attending Christian's and Carlos's History of Design lesson and seeing the new Fiat 500 remake at Central Forum. Back in the old days in sub-urban Italy where roads weren't well-tarred and sub-urbia meant living in farms, this car was a common mode of transport. It was one of the first few cars designed to withstand bumps on roads; so ur drive would be pretty smooth. It's small cos nobody really needed huge cars back then and they only needed it to go pasar. With that much history, why wouldn't I want one? I know VW's Beetle served Adolf Hitler but why would I want to associate myself with him? (teringat Jia Quan. maybe he sld get it for himself)

I want to drive a classic, like the MiniCooper (the classic type. think Mr Bean. Haha Salman called it that), but not something common but (berape banyak but lah.) cute still. and i can associate myself to it:)

BUT...

• It's SO SMALL. I seriously didnt expect it to be THAT small. I mean, when i saw the new version i thought the old one is about the same size but no. It seriously looks like a toy car that American children race around in town fairs (think Little Rascals)
• In Singapore, you can only drive it for 28 days. wth? i park at home can.
• It's mahal.

oklah i think the first reason is enought to turn me off. with a size like that, i can get run down by another car without it's driver noticing!

dan ini semua... HARTA DONYA. hahahaha. eh im drowning in my own world. Allah, save me!

faz, i'll reply ur comment soon, insyaallah!

Recently I put up a status on fb expressing my weariness over our tendency to see the haram as relative...

(Funny story. im listening to music and blogging while my dad's talking to me abt, i dunno, im listening to music! and he's gg on and on abt it and recently i came up with my 'dont deny ur parents anything, they deserve everything in this world' policy and so im giving him all my attention. im smiling and looking at him as if i understand. and he just said "pegi lepas asar" but i heard "pasar". ok very funny. ok i sld let him watch GI joe. he's been wanting to watch dvds and i havent been helping. poor papa. I SHALL BE A GOOD DAUGHTER AND GO TO THE RANGE TO GOLF WITH HIM LATER EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A LOT TO STUDY. lepas asar. bukan pasar.)

as i was saying....

It started with my browsing through someone's fb profile. It occurred to me then that based on what i was seeing, i was forming judgements on the person. astaghfirullah. thoughts like 'isn't what he/she's doing haram?'. sad sad. then i thought, he/she might not think or know it's haram. i dont know. maybe he/she knows but does not think that it's haram, or maybe he/she doesnt know and doesnt think it's haram, or perhaps he/she knows and thinks it's haram but doesnt/cannot control him/herself.

but that's not quite the point... before i could go on thinking about that person and what he/she's doing, i thought about myself. 'Do i do something even though i know for sure it's haram? and i do it thinking that it's not exactly haram' Apparently there is. I bet there's a lot but i don't realise it. God show me the straight path, PLEASEEE. I don't exactly want to reveal my aib(weakness?) but if it helps in understanding then i think i should. i have ONE guy (yes i'm practically living in a woman's world. think crescent girls' school, 4 sisters) cousin from my mom's side who is 5 years younger than me and till now, he still salams me. or rather, we salam. (will be continued... golfing)

ok back.

he's not my muhrim (or mahram. what's the diff?) and despite knowing that it is not right to have any physical contact, i allow it to happen because i will think that he's much younger than me and ive always seen him as a little brother. in a way, i had de'haram'ised it, with such excuses. and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Come to think of it, we probably do many more 'haram' things out there. Sadly, the 'haram' differs from one person to another even when there's already an absolute say about it in the Quran.

I'm really bad at writing. I don't even know how coherent my arguments are. I blame it on this thing im doing in uni called 'design'. *shrugs* Wallahualam. This is just something I learnt along this journey called life and i take it upon myself to correct what ive been doing wrong.

On another unrelated matter altogether.... I'm watching this korean movie called Antique. I should get a slap on my face cos I'm not lowering my gaze (the actors are ouch! hot) and it borders on the theme of homosexuality (ah pasal lah). so much for talk abt the 'haram' huh? BUT this movie features OH SO GORGEOUS CAKES! You know those from French patisseries?


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOO MANYYYY PRETTTTYYYYY CAKEEEESSSSS OMGGGGG! Gourmet cakes. i can, oh goodness i dont want to think abt it. and i just rmbred. CAROUSEL. ok my head cant think of anything but that.

oh and i found the carousel macarons i want!
credits: http://www.madbaker.net/category/take-me-home/

I rmbr Mas buying it. soooooo temptingggggg!

I was gushing over Adriana Lima when i came across her picture and i told my sis, "I'm Adriana Lima's BEST FRIEND!". haha and i suddenly thought, 'eh i know someone who is obsessed (like super giler obnoxiously obsessed) over a celebrity and talks abt the celebrity as tho she's her best friend but has never ever met her.' and after some time then i rmbred. PENELOPE TATE from The Amanda Show! Man, she is one funny character!

( too hot for your eyes, guys. so some viewer discretion is advised. )

I've been a Muslim for 20 years already.
I've been 'feeling' Muslim for... not that long i realise.

I feel very ignorant. Ketandusan ilmu. And as much as I'm involving myself in Muslim related activities, I notice that I am not truly learning in depth. Which is a shame, really. I appreciate the fact that I have friends who remind each other with quran verses or hadiths. It keeps me motivated in a way. However, I feel the need to go deeper. I need to know more. More about the Prophet (s.a.w) or Tafsir. Or tauhid. The very essence of Islam.

So back to 'feeling' Muslim, this ignorance or lack of knowledge is enough to make me feel 'not Muslim enough'. I mean, at one point I could feel contented with whatever progress im making with regards to Islamic knowledge but as of now, I am not at all contented, cos I know there's more to Islam then just being motivated over revelations. And this discontentment is making me feel like a lesser Muslim.

HOW HOW HOW.

and God, please let this headache go awayyy..

Oh this is an attempt to practice my Malay. My VERY KARAT (with a major 'R' Rosak) Malay.

Bermula dari sekarang! 6.30 petang

Aku sekarang berada di dalam bilik persatuan-persatuan menunggu kehadiran ibu dan bapaku untuk menjemputku pulang. Di hadapanku (im struggling!) terpapar salib yang padanya terpacak patung yang rupanya disalah-fahami sebagai Nabi Isa a.s. (Meja persatuan Katolik NUS!) Dan sedang aku menatap wajahnya yang penuh dengan kepedihan, aku terfikir tentang ujian-ujian yang telah dihadapi para nabi dahulu. Sungguh, aku tidak terbayang kepedihan yang mereka lalui apabila dilanda ujian, terutama sekali isi hati Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. Aku teringat akan kata-kata terakhir Rasulullah s.a.w ketika menjelang maut. "Ummati ummati ummati". Kasihnya pada kita sehingga ke pangkal maut! Bolehkah anda bayangkan benak fikirannya semasa menegakkan kebenaran? Dan pada mulanya dia dicaci dan dimaki-hamun. Pernah sekali Rasulullah dilempar najis! (Detik ini ialah detik 'OHMYTIAN!') BOLEHKAH ANDA BAYANGKAN perit yang dihadapinya? Rasulullah juga terpaksa berperang dengan pakciknya sendiri, pakcik yang menyambut kelahirannya! Hanya Allah sahaja yang dapat menenagkan hatinya:)

Jika boleh, inginku luahkan lagi fikiranku mengenai hal ini, tetapi malangnya, aku tidak berkemampuan. Hehe. Bahasa Melayuku MAHA KARAT. Kak Fana, cue.

Bilmunasabah (chey Arab pulak!), aku amat bangga sekali dengan diriku hari ini kerana berjaya menghabiskan lakaran sebuah kerusi dalam software 'Adobe Illustrator'. Aku tidak sangka aku berkebolehan untuk membuatnya dengan penuh ketelitian. Selalunya, di studio, kami akan membuat 'prototype' atau lakaran dengan pensel dan kertas. Namun, sejak kebelakangan ini, kami diajar untuk menggunakan sofwe (is this how software is spelt?) seperti Rhino dan Illustrator untuk mempamerkan rekaan kami. Alhamdulillah, aku lebih mahir menggunakan Illustrator, meskipun ada ruang untuk diperbaiki. Adapun rakan seperjuanganku yang meminta bantuan dalam hal ini, aku sedia membantu. Aku puas kerana dapat berbakti, alhamdulillah:) Ya Badii', syukran:)




!مع السلامة
habis pukul: 7.50 petang. hah amek kau!

It never occured to me how much Ramadhan meant to me this year till the first Azan that marked Syawal played on the radio a few days back. I was helping my sisters set the table up when i heard the azan. I drank a bit and as the drink refreshes every single nerve of mine, flashes of the things that happened for the past month came upon me. And all those while the azan was being aired. I was SO overwhelmed that i rushed to my room and broke down (for a while only lah).

You see, the last few days of Ramadhan was tough, particularly because I had my period. No, that's no excuse. But I must say that it contributed in one way or another. And as much as i tried, the tide of iman was not favourable for me. So prior to the azan, i just knew that Ramadhan was leaving, but i was still too upset to think much about it.

But then the azan aired and it occured to me that SO many things happened during this holy month.

1. Kak Fana and i went shopping for tudung bidang 60 on the first night.
2. I went for talks organised by MS.
3. The Sisters' Affair was initiated and planned for.
4. I spent a lot of time with Hannah and Kak Fana, by fate i suppose. These 2 lovely sisters mean a lot to me. Ah the beauty of sisterhood. ALHAMDULILLAH(:
5. I had really stressful days, all balak lunged from studio, but as soon as I stand beside my sisters, shoulder to shouder, to pray together, it's all gone, alhamdulillah:)
6. Speaking of stress, I had a week of migraine that only occured when i rukuk and sujud:'( it's as though my head was heavy with things (nak kate literally tak tau pulak kesahihan berat kepalaku!) and when i drop it on the ground i could just roll over. HAHA. but yes, THAT was an ujian itself.
7. I got so upset that by the 3rd week, i had only spent 4 occasions breaking fast with my family.
8. Sisters' Affair was MEANINGFUL. I don't know how to explain it.
9. Iftar with friends, APEXMWTIsisters, NUSMS, NTUMS, APEX followed by terawih together. God knows how much i love them for this. This is the way to go for bonding:) [no offence but it's a matter of preference. I'd much prefer bonding for the sake of Allah]
10. i learnt a great deal on PATIENCE. Patience when handling shoolwork. Patience when dealing with people. Last Friday evening, I was supposed to accompany my sisters to find their raye shoes, but Dayah dissed me and ignored me on the way there, probably because i scolded her for wearing something tight *shrugs*. I had wanted to pass her the money and go back home but i prayed to Him to grant me patience... Next thing I knew, Dayah, Yanah, Aidah and I were going crazy having a fun time looking for shoes! Haha!

There are probably many other things that happened, but i like 10. This was one enlightening Ramadhan, subhanallah:) and I hope to meet it again, insyaAllah.